The word ‘narcissism’ is raised in Family Law more frequently these days. While definitions of narcissistic behaviour have not changed, the term has seeped into popular culture, allowing people to throw it around more loosely when referring to their arrogant, self obsessed or entitled partner. But another, less known form of narcissism – “covert narcissism” can do just as much damage to a relationship. And the signs may not be as obvious. Today we’re here to help you identify key characteristics of a covert narcissist and how to manage living with one.
The key difference between narcissism and “covert” narcissism is the feeling behind the behaviour. While an overt narcissist will hide their vulnerabilities through their grandiose actions, a covert narcissist’s grandiosity is hidden, while vulnerability is on full display. Have you ever met someone who is quiet and introverted, yet makes sure everyone is aware of their pain and suffering? Because it is less obvious in its presentation, it can take a while to identify the entitlement that lies at the foundation of covert narcissism. But when it does reveal itself, it can often be painful for the people closest to the narcissist, who get blamed for their success, while the narcissist feels under-appreciated and insecure.
So what does covert narcissism look like in a relationship? Here are some signs to look out for:
A covert narcissist will always be the one who is most hurt or wronged, no matter what the situation. A simple request like asking your partner to put out the rubbish will result in them complaining that they feel like a slave or that their requests are never heard. If it feels like you are entering a conflict every time you ask your partner for help, or if you feel anxious about making every day requests, there is good reason to question their behaviour.
Covert narcissists do not want to be the centre of attention. Unlike overt narcissists who enjoy being in the spotlight, they prefer to sit back and let the resentment and sensitivity take hold. Questions will arise as to why others are receiving greater attention and appreciation and why they don’t deserve the same. You may be celebrating a career success, or some kind of personal milestone, and rather than stepping up to celebrate you, your partner will struggle with the attention you receive. This can play out through anger, blame, or an attempt to shift the focus to their own vulnerability in that moment.
They suck the energy from you
You may not have identified it as “covert narcissism” at the time, but we guarantee that you have, at some point, been in a room with a covert narcissist. You may have felt like all the air was being sucked out, or that your group of people were collectively deflated by the words or behaviour of one person. Living with a covert narcissist can use up a lot of your energy as you are constantly trying to respond to, or manage their problems or vulnerabilities. A relationship is team work. If you spend the whole time focusing on your partners problems, are you getting the care or acknowledgement that you deserve?
They need constant re-assurance
How much time do you spend trying to lift your partner out of their sadness? How many conversations are focused on your problems and needs, or are they mostly focused on your partners? Covert narcissism is based heavily on insecurity and a feeling of being “un-loved”. If they feel threatened or criticised the narcissist will become defensive and react with blame and anger, which will often result in you feeling like you have said or done something wrong. The conversation or argument will then swing back towards your partner’s needs, and how they can be re-assured that they are loved and appreciated.
How to manage life with a covert narcissist
At Respect, we are all about having agency in your life and being heard in your relationships. Sometimes, it will feel like the easy option to stay silent and put your partner’s needs ahead of your own. But the more you do this, the more you are feeding their covert narcissism. Being in a relationship where your partner’s pain and problems are more important than your own is not healthy.
The first step is to recognise the signs and become aware of the games and manipulative behaviour of the covert narcissist. Researching this concept, speaking to professionals and learning to understand your own reactions will help you better identify elements of covert narcissism in your relationship, if indeed there are any.
If you identify your partner as a covert narcissist there are still steps you can take to manage it if you choose to stay in the relationship. Working with a mental health professional can help you stay grounded and set proper boundaries for yourself. At no point should you settle for “putting up with” a covert narcissist as you will end up miserable. There is work that you can do as a couple, through couples therapy that will help you both work through the challenges that arise from covert narcissism.
If your partner is not willing to accept responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown, or they are unable to change, it is time to re-evaluate if this person is good for you.
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